Behaviors and emotions have origins. Enter what may be behind your child’s anger with curiosity rather than defensiveness. Ask questions so you can get to know the thoughts that are influencing and being influenced by emotions in your teen. It will take a lot of self-control on your part and tough emotional skin as you explore their beliefs and perceptions that are leading to the angry thoughts, emotions, and behaviors.

How to help a teen with anger issues through healthy communication

To communicate your desire to connect, you can use questions or phrases like . . .

“Help me understand…”

“I can see you tend to get angry about _____, help me see what you’re seeing and what tends to set you off”

“It makes sense that you’re frustrated about ______, what do you think you need to do about it?”

“Your body language is clearly communicating that you’re upset, what do you need me to hear or understand from what your body is trying to communicate?”

Responding calmly when your teen Is angry

Remember, your teen’s anger is not personal. Take a close look at how you handle anger. It’s a great place to start since that is what you can ultimately control in order to influence well. Do your interactions with your teen frequently end with an angry outburst from you? If you consistently demonstrate anger in correcting your teen, they’re more likely to respond with their own angry outburst. Reacting with anger won’t win your child’s respect or encourage their good behavior.

Focus on responding to your teen’s claims and accusations calmly and firmly. Yes, your teen knows how to push your buttons. It’s hard to respond graciously when they lash out at you. But your own behavior is a valuable tool in training your teen.

Avoid escalating anger

Commit to leading by example and avoid unproductive expressions of anger — yelling, screaming, verbal attacks, and physical rages. Avoid getting pulled into out-of-control fights and escalating arguments. Don’t invalidate your teen by downplaying their feelings or degrading them as a person. Remember, “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger” (Proverbs 15:1, ESV).

It may be helpful to ask your spouse to give you an honest assessment of your behavior towards your teen. Or find a time for you to talk with your teen one-on-one, and ask them how you may have hurt or irritated them. Remember that it’s your job to listen and ask questions, not to defend yourself. This takes humility and patience, but it can help reveal things that you can’t see on your own. Use Focus on the Family’s Parenting Check-in to add some structure and questions to help guide your request for feedback. You’ll find it among our other free Parenting Tools.

Paul warned the Ephesians not to “provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” Sadly, we often provoke our children to sin without realizing it. Take the time to do a heart check on your own attitudes and behaviors as a parent. Do you try to control or manipulate your teen? Have you done something to make them believe they are unwanted or unloved? Have you acted unfairly towards them? Do you hold unrealistic expectations for their behavior or achievements? Do you truly listen to them?

What does science reveal about the teen brain?

Brain scans and recent research affirm that, at around puberty, our teen’s brain is much more responsive to voices outside the home. In other words, they will be more likely to listen to advice from someone other than you, even if it’s the same exact advice. The possibly confusing thing for you would be that they were much more responsive and attuned to your voice and what you had to say when they were younger. This is an expected change in your child’s brain development. It doesn’t mean you don’t have influence. It requires having a relationship with you.

How can you grow your parenting and reduce the drama?

Applying Focus on the Family’s 7 Traits of Effective Parenting can help you deal with your teen’s anger in a healthy way.

Practice adaptability by bringing patience, awareness, and flexibility to your relationship with your teen. You get to practice parental psychological flexibility, which means you tolerate and manage your own emotions in such a way that you can be present and responsive to what is happening in your teen.

Show respect by modeling the behavior you expect from your teen. Take time to listen and practice self-control. Approach your teen with curiosity rather than immediate judgement or evaluation.

Demonstrate intentionality by patiently pursuing a relationship with your teen. This can be one-one-one time doing activities or having conversations together. Model and teach ways to manage “big” and difficult emotions.

Express love for your teen freely, unconditionally, and often. When your teen is unlovable, that’s when they need your love the most.

Establish boundaries to help your teen learn balance and self-control. Constructive criticism and correction are essential in your teen’s life. Just because your teen struggles with anger, does not mean you don’t provide direction and correction. Boundaries just need to have the foundations of warmth, sensitivity, and relationship.

Show plenty of grace and forgiveness when your teen pushes your buttons. It’s not easy being a teen. Things can be confusing, overwhelming, and discouraging. Model and emphasize the freeing beauty of forgiveness and expecting the best in others.

Practice gratitude by pointing out what you love about your child, rather than mainly emphasizing what you hate or dislike. Gratitude for the role of getting to love and guide your teen will help your mind be ready for challenges. As you voice the things you are thankful for throughout the day, you model what it means to train your mind to be adaptive. Anger, many times, means our brain is stuck and having a hard time adapting to “what is”.

Why are some teens so angry?

There are various reasons why a teen may end up feeling angry or showing angry behaviors. It could be that they feel rejected, frustrated, lonely, tired, overwhelmed, scared, anxious, threatened, shame, or just plain “off” and it leads them to the strong emotion of “anger”. It could also be that they are hiding something they’ve done or are doing. It could also be that they’re using drugs or viewing pornography. Both can lead to angry emotions and behaviors. The fact is that it’s going to take some observation, questions, listening, and wisdom to sift through angry emotions and behaviors to get to the “why?” behind their anger.

Biological changes and realities such as changes in hormones and ongoing brain development can leave a teen with overwhelming feelings and a limited capacity or tools to manage their emotions and their interpretations of their environment. In other words, their brain has some maturing to do. The emotional center of their brain is fully firing, while the areas in charge of regulating and managing what the emotional center of their brain are still very much under construction.

The good news is that you can help your teenager learn to manage his or her anger.

Focus on keeping your own emotions in check, even when your teen pushes your buttons.

Show plenty of love and grace to your teen as they learn to navigate this new stage of life.

Help your child learn how to regulate their feelings in a safe and healthy way.

What triggers anger in teens?

Hormonal changes.

The answer to this question varies widely from person to person. However, anger in teens is usually caused in part by the hormonal changes they are experiencing. Issues that weren’t a big deal a couple of years ago suddenly trigger intense emotional reactions. Additionally, their prefrontal cortex—the part of the brain that controls logical decision making—hasn’t fully developed yet. This means teens are more likely to react emotionally than respond rationally to things that frustrate, annoy, scare, or make them feel insecure or lonely.

Desire for independence.

Another common anger trigger in teens is their growing desire for independence and freedom. This is an important step on the way to becoming an adult. Your child is beginning to find his or her own place in the world as an independent person. At the same time, he or she is still living in your house, under your rules and boundaries. Teens often feel a lot of frustration at their perceived lack of freedom and independence. Their brain will negatively react to a controlling tone of voice from their mom or dad. They long to feel understood as they discover new things. Many teens feel their parents are stuck in old ways of thinking, old news, and a lack of understanding.

Additional triggers.

A few other things that can trigger anger in an adolescent include family conflict, a perfectionistic personality, depression, the winter blues, a poor diet, too many demands, pride, or insecurities.

Anger is a secondary emotion that comes from a mixture of other feelings. Keep in mind that anger is a sign of a deeper concern. Anxiety, sadness, hurt, disappointment, addictions, pornography use, and frustration can all contribute to an angry reaction. Take time to explore what may be the deeper issue behind the angry behaviors, emotions, and thoughts. This will take your curiosity and patience.

Does ADHD cause anger in teens?

Anger, irritability, and other forms of emotional dysregulation can be symptoms of ADHD. They are more common in people with severe ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) symptoms. Also, if a child has been diagnosed with ADHD and is constantly being corrected and redirected, they may feel they can’t do anything right and can’t please anyone. This ends up creating a more oppositional or shut down angry reaction from a teen with ADHD. So, ADHD itself is not a cause of anger but a teen with ADHD may experience angry feelings. These feelings may come from feeling misunderstood, misinterpreted, and/or feeling a sense of inadequacy.

If your teen hasn’t displayed other behaviors that fit with ADHD, their anger is probably not a symptom. However, if you have observed other potential signs of ADHD, it may be wise to have your child assessed.

What are some coping skills for teens who wrestle with anger?

Focus on teaching your teen to distinguish between healthy and unhealthy expressions of anger. Your teen needs to understand that his anger isn’t good or bad in itself. Instead, it’s what he chooses to do with that emotion. There are plenty of negative ways to express anger, but there are also positive ways.

Try to figure out how your teen prefers to deal with emotions. Does he tend to bottle his feelings up or let them out in a huge emotional display? Some helpful coping skills for teens include:

Writing. Journaling, poetry, and creative writing all can serve as a great outlet for a teen that loves to express themselves through writing.

Praying. Prayer can calm a teen’s soul. Encourage them to pray wherever it feels like a renewing space.

Exercising. Working out, doing sports, walking, or hiking can all provide unique benefits to the teen brain. It helps with regulating emotions, hormones, and other biological functions in a teen.

Music. A teen turning to positive music can help shift emotions. The challenge is that teens tend to turn to music that enhances the emotion they are feeling at the time. When your teen is not angry, come up with a play list they could use that they would enjoy as they shift their emotion toward a more positive state.

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